by Josh Gilman
Last week I posted a quote that is an example of why our work is needed. I was in a high-school talking about the dangers of pornography when a 16 year old boy asked, “If porn isn’t sex, what is sex?”
Since posting that I’ve had several people ask what my answer was. So here it is. I hope this is useful in talking to your own teens, or in any conversation you may have on the topic.
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Porn is all about myself. I’m the only thing that matters. All that matters about other people is how they make me feel. My emotions, my physical pleasure, my senses, that’s all that matters.
Porn is taking, using, abusing.
It teaches me that if I have desires I should meet them RIGHT NOW. If I have thoughts and feelings, I should feed them immediately. There is no right or wrong, only me. It’s all about what I want, when I want it, and how that happens doesn’t matter.
That’s porn.
Sex is about giving. Sex is supposed to be about the other person. Their emotions, their desires, their pleasure. They don’t exist for me, I exist for them.
We see both these truths lived out in the fact that men who consume pornography are statistically much more likely to hire a prostitute, or even commit adultery. Essentially, having an attitude of “MY needs should be met regardless of others” isn’t an attitude that simply can exist in the mind without starting to play out in other areas of life.
On the flip side, men in happy marriages, are far LESS likely to look at pornography at all. And while one could argue that they are happy in that marriage because their “needs are being met”. I know enough about people and marriage to know that for a marriage to truly be happy, both husband and wife must be invested in each other and at least trying to sacrifice and serve each other. Which means that either men who don’t look at pornography are more likely to invest in their wives OR men who invest in their wives are less likely to view pornography. Or most likely, that the two statements are mutually inclusive.
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This leads me to what I think parents really need to know. You don’t have to worry about having a graphic conversation with your child about porn and sex in order for them to understand this. You just need to model this type of attitude in everything.
I think about how many kids have heard their dad or mom awkwardly say “Well, when a mommy and a daddy love each other…..” and not understood what love is at all. If you’re modelling true love and sacrifice in your relationship with your spouse, your kids will have a much easier time understanding what all of this is about.
Let’s make sure that when our kids hear people making jokes, or other comments about “making love”, they already have a pretty good idea about what “love” actually is.