Something that we unfortunately hear too often, mostly from younger girls, is that their boyfriends or husbands used to watch porn, but now they don’t. While we sincerely hope that this is indeed the case. It is often a concerning statement because porn isn’t like bell bottom pants or glitter. You don’t just grow out of it.

Claiming freedom without a story of how you got there is concerning for a number of reasons.

Porn isn’t like a drug. It IS a drug.

Pornography fires off Dopamine and Oxytocin in large amounts. Those are the same chemicals that drugs like cocaine & heroine are firing off. So while what you are consuming is being ingested through your eyes rather than the way you would ingest or inject drugs, it is firing off the exact same chemicals. You brain latches onto and craves those chemicals.

So if you would want more information from a crack addict or heroine junky than “ya I used to. And then I stopped,” you should think of porn the same way. How did you get free? What was the process of detox, rehab and healing? What do you do now to prevent going back?

You wouldn’t trust a drug addict who didn’t have an answer for those questions, and a porn addict with no answers probably isn’t as healed as they claim either.

There is an underlying issue

The other big red flag is that like any other drug, porn is a form of self-medication. For myself, it was how I dealt with stress, fear, pretty much any negative emotion I didn’t want to feel. For people who have been physically abused it is commonly a trauma coping mechanism. Everyone who watches porn has underlying issues they are dealing with.

So yes there are sometimes people who quit porn without much process, but if they didn’t truly heal from the issues underneath, they will develop other unhealthy habits and behaviors. It’s great they aren’t watching porn, but they still haven’t healed as a person.

Temptation grows with relationships

The temptation to use pornography actually grows as your relationship progresses. For the dating or engaged couple, if you are either increasing your physical relationship, or simply anticipating an increase of physical affection, the sexual part of your brain is going to be more active. So even if someone has been doing their best to stay away from pornography, if their brain hasn’t healed, their unhealed brain still has all those old neurological pathways to porn active. They will actually crave it more even as they take the next step of physicality with you.

Secondly, as relationships grow and progress, particularly once you are married, the opportunities for stress and problems grows. While marriage is a wonderful thing, any meaningful close relationship brings with it more opportunities to be hurt, to worry, or for depressing things to happen. If you have not healed from pornography as your “drug of choice” for self-medication, these increased pressure points will increase the temptation to use porn.

You can’t be afraid of the truth

One of our blog articles that received the most backlash was on whether you should break up with your porn-addicted boyfriend. While we stand by our thoughts on the matter, it’s totally understandable that people would be upset that ending their relationship might be the right thing to do. But remember, knowing the truth now may save you a world of hurt in the future.

We have heard from so many wives and husbands whose marriages and quite frankly their lives were destroyed by the presence of pornography in their relationship. It’s worth the uncomfortable conversation and the risk of potential difficult decisions to make sure that your significant other is as free as they claim to be.

Pornography is everywhere, and temptation is a fact of life, but truly knowing just how healthy the person standing beside you is, will go a long way to having a successful relationship.