Appreciating your partner’s “no”

STF AdminUncategorized

By: Brad Pullan


I have a question:

Have you ever watched a porn scene where either character says “no”? Specifically a scene where that “no” is respected?

Think about it for a second. You probably don’t need to think about it that long because you already know what the answer is.  

The word “no” is either not used or not respected in porn.

This is, however, not reflective of the real world and the ways in which humans act.

If you are married, engaged, or in a relationship, you might find that your partner says “no” a lot. This a good thing, and I hope you think so too. It means you have a real relationship.  

My idea and challenge for you is to not only listen your partner’s “no”, but actually appreciate and understand it instead of turning to the porn where “no” doesn’t exist.

Allow me to show what I mean through this scenario:

Imagine you were a parent of a young teen. Let’s say your teenager wanted to go do something which would get them in a lot of trouble but they were oblivious to the dangers awaiting them, as young teenagers normally are. You tell them “no.” They may listen to you and not do this thing. However, it’s not enough if they are inwardly super angry at you for ‘taking away their fun’ and think you are just overreacting and over-sheltering. This is especially a problem if next time around they try to hide their actions from you. Whereas if they can appreciate and understand your answer, they would see that your intention is to protect them from harm and your motivation is love. They may disagree, and be upset at the situation, but because they can appreciate your “no”, they are not only honouring you as a parent, but you will be more likely to trust them next time as they have shown that they are mature enough to understand why you said “no”.  

There are striking similarities between this scenario and listening to and appreciating your partner’s “no”. When your partner says “no”, you may respect their wish and not force your will upon them. But what good is that if your attitude toward them becomes bitter? You will grumble about it, have a pity party, or manipulate the person next time to guilt trip them, just because their “no” didn’t fit into your agenda.

What does this situation look like if you appreciate your partner’s “no”? Despite being disappointed by their answer, you can give them the value and dignity which expresses that they are worth more to you than what you want in that moment by respecting and appreciating their “no”. A selfless relationship which communicates, understands and appreciates a partner’s reasoning for saying “no” will build trust and the relationship will become stronger.

Instead of listening to your partners “no” while secretly being frustrated by it and escaping your frustrations by watching porn where “no” will not exist, spend time with your partner even when their “no” disappoints. You will both appreciate, respect, and love each other much more.   

Also, I am confident that if you can acquire the discipline to appreciate your partner’s “no”, you are on the right track to overcome your addiction to watching porn.